the break-up

“All good things come to an end.”
“It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”

Barf.

You can ask me a dozen times what happened and why, and still there will be no answers. No one is mad at the other; there’s no fighting or hard feelings; no one is intentionally hurting the other; there’s not even finger pointing. It’s about as civil as it can be, and that is a true blessing for me at this moment when it seems as though my whole world is falling apart.


I’ll spare you the details, no need to post my break-up issues for the world to read, and if you know me then I’ve already told you the story, or will shortly. I’m sure that later on down the road I’ll fill in a few blanks, but just know that I’m moving home in a couple of weeks and starting all over. Again.


Cheers.

A Little Pick-Me-Up

I needed a pick-me-up today, hopefully you'll get a smile out of it too. Thanks to LC, I read her blog and then immediately stole this.



1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
5. That's enough, Nickelback.
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f&*% was going on when I first saw it.
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
34. Bad decisions make good stories
35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four peopleeating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Going through the motions

It's been a while since my last update, and even though time has decided to inevitably move on, I, on the other hand, feel as though I'm standing still. I'm stuck in a haze where everything is grey. I don't like it when things are grey; it means that I'm just going through the motions and not exploring my thoughts or feelings, and that I'm not trying to overcome my insecurities or fears. This is not me; I'm a go-getter. But as of late I just feel so tired and numb to the world that I want to be stagnant, and I want nothing to change. Not that I am perfectly content where things are, life could always be improved, but I don't have the energy/inspiration to be the person that I want to be right now. Do you ever feel this way? I keep looking up, but maybe I'm not asking for help in the right way. I always assume that the way things are right now, is the way they are supposed to be, but what if I'm wrong? What if things in the present are only temporary and aren't meant to make it to the future? Are my prayers meaningless? Am I trying to take too much control over my life? I'm a little confused at the moment, and wish this funk would go away. I'll just keep on prayin' till I get some sign that I'm doing the right thing.

On a happier note, Football is here! Whoop! Oh I absolutely adore spending saturdays on the couch with beer and junk food, backing the Tide and yelling for the 12th Man. I love love LOVE this time of year! GIG 'EM BABY!

Unexpected Gift

I got an unexpected email this week from someone I haven’t spoken to in ages.

A friend and I had quite the falling out a couple of years ago, but I think the tension has finally come to a rest and God has granted us some peace about it all. I don’t know where the forgiveness will lead to, if anywhere, but I do know that He acts for a reason, and I’m wondering what it is; although the not knowing has its charm, I’m curious as to what purpose this will serve in my life. I know there is one and I can’t wait to find out what it is. It’s such a great feeling to know that we receive some gifts that we don’t even ask for. How amazing is that? : )

Needless to say, He has a plan, so I’m putting the past away.

Prayer Request

Last weekend Matt’s parents were here. I haven’t seen them since January, so I was a bit nervous upon their arrival. Being an only child and the main focus of the majority of their lives, he’s extremely important to them and they are very involved in what’s going on in his life, his spirituality, and weekly happenings. They are very close to each other and share everything as a family. With that being said, the relationship I have with the two of them isn’t necessarily likewise or ideal at the moment. I’m quiet and very introverted in their presence. I find myself having thoughts in my mind, but I don’t communicate to them for fear of being judged or disliked. I almost feel that if they don’t know the real me that they will like me better, maybe approve of the relationship I have with their son but it shouldn’t be like that at all, should it? I pride myself with the fact that I think I’m a good person in my own right, and don’t take to heart too much what other people think of me and the decisions that I make; but with them, I feel like I’m a completely different person. Why can’t I show them the girl that Matt loves so much? Why do they intimidate me? I know I can’t marry their son without their approval, so why can’t I find the words to say that will let them in to the real me? I want so badly to be the perfect addition to their future family. Do they just not like me, or it is that they don’t know me well enough to act like they do? I’m struggling with this on a daily basis. I’ve asked myself what’s so bad about me that puts such a strain on our relationship and like so many other times, I don’t have a definite answer. I guess I could blame it on the fact that I’m always shy in important situations because of the pressure, it eats at me like a disease. It’s all I can think about, over and over and over; I replay the focus on myself and completely shut down. I don’t like the attention that all of this brings me. I could also point out the fact that I never was close to my own mother, so it’s very difficult for me to be close to someone else’s. I never had a relationship with her, I never told her things and she doesn’t know the real me at all. The only woman I’ve ever really looked up to and been close to is my grandmother, Nana, who did so much for me as a child and who still has significant influence on my life. I also talk to my Aunts about certain things and they always have been there for me, but still, it’s different. I struggle with female relationships and it’s a possibility that I always will. I’m not sure if Matt’s mom quite comprehandss the degree of all of this, but hopefully she can try to be understanding and look past my awkward silence and ignorance. I’m praying for help and guidance with this situation, it’s a huge deal and not something that I’m brushing off or taking lightly. If you have time in your daily conversation with Him, I’d be thankful for any help I can get.


“Hope is a driving factor...helping us stay on course in life, it may feel as though it comes and goes, but in reality there is always hope. There is always a chance for something else to happen and you need to have faith that it will.” I’m praying for hope.

"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers." Praying that the pain doesn’t affect another relationship.

Birfday

Wednesday was my birthday. I’m 23. Which is kind of lame because there is no milestone that comes along with being that age, but also not, because it’s my lucky number and I like telling people that I’m 23 because it’s something that is still novel to me. Is that weird?

I worked until 7:45 the night before and came home to my requested meal, a chocolate ice cream cake, roses, candles, wine and presents. Jealous yet? You should be. Matt made my day so completely wonderful, I’m going to have one heck of a time topping him for his next month. We weren’t supposed to do presents since we opted to spend our birthdays at Disney with the free admission pass they have going on, but he decided to get me a little something anyway which was very sweet. Season one of Friends. Yay! He’s a good gift-giver; Always has a good buy up his sleeve. Now I’m stuck with the challenge of getting him a little something which is always hard for guys. I don’t care what anyone says, guys are harder to buy for than girls. Period. End of discussion. K bye.

I had the day off from work, how coincidental, so we went to Epcot and had a blast. I wore a button all day that said, “Happy birthday Sara” and every Disney employee had to wish me a happy birthday which surprisingly, didn’t annoy me. We started off by getting a fast pass for Test-Track and then headed to “the ball” for some spaceship ride in which they take your picture and put it on your so-called “body” in the future. Apparently we are going to have cars that fly and can make hotel reservations for us. Neat? Hmm, I’m not quite sure about that. We spent some time walking through the countries and made dinner reservations in Morocco which we never ended up fulfilling because we decided we didn’t want to spend the money and opted for Whataburger on the way home instead. Too bad it was SHUT DOWN! Yeah, who decides to close a Whataburger, seriously? Needless to say, Matt and I were extremely disappointed with our detour that proved to be unsuccessful. Anyway, we did some other rides and took several pictures with the characters against Matt’s will and finally ended the day with the fireworks show over the water. Such a great ended to a perfect day, except that it started pouring down rain the second the show was over so I hopped on Matt’s back and he gave me a piggy-back ride all the way to the car : )

I would like to say that I was a bit disappointed with the birthday calls from my friends/family. Too many people are opting for text messages or emails or facebook these days, which seems to make your birthday a little less exciting. I never realized this until my special day came around. I’m also guilty of this, I’d be lying if I claimed otherwise, so I’m going to try and get better about it. We’ll see how efficient I am about carrying this through.

Overall I had a great birthday and was very thankful for all the surprises, cards, calls, and love that I got from everyone. Thanks!

J-O-B

Work is work. How else can one put it? My job is great and I really can’t complain because then that would make me seem selfish and ungrateful which I truly am not. The only downfall at the moment is the length of time I have to spend in the horrid wood-paneled office that they call the records department. I work two twelve hour shifts and two eight hour shifts a week, with a day off thrown somewhere in the mix. The longer shifts are a bit more difficult to get through since I’m practically on my feet all day, but I’m slowly building up my stamina so I think I’ll live; No worries. I am gradually beginning to learn everything that is “Palmer” and honestly feel a bit out of place with the amount of common sense that I have. I’m sure you’ll hear me vent plenty in the future so for now I’ll spare you the lame details which I’m sure you care nothing about. Just know that it’s a good position for me to be in, I’m in a low-stress environment, and I don’t dread going to work everyday like I did when I was teaching. That in itself is a true blessing that keeps me looking up with thanks.

I will tell you however, that I am completely exhausted when I get home and night and am pretty useless for the remaining free time that I have before bed; Therefore, trying to update this on a pretty regular basis seems to be difficult. I’m sure there isn’t anyone dying to read the pointless things I have to say anyway, so I don’t feel guilty about waiting until I’ve had a chance to rest.

On another note, I’ve been wanting to write about something other than what’s going on in my life, just not sure where to go with it. Hopefully something will come, it always does.